Saturday, November 13, 2010

A disarray of impressions!

What would you do when you are suddenly overwhelmed by the feeling that everything you have achieved so far feels like nothing and that you have to start all over again? What would you do when you suddenly feel you are stuck in a quagmire? You started out with the feeling that all that have you achieved so far will help you go to the next level but now you are often pinched by a sense of irritation which tells you - whatever you have achieved so far is just not good enough; and then the feeling that follows is that you yourself are not good enough. You had set out thinking that a particular track is the right one to follow and just as you tried to step on that track, your mind showed you another track and then a third and so on. You find yourself in a mess where you are unable to choose any one of the tracks and give in your best to any of these. You reach out to people and each one tells you a different thing altogether confusing you all the more. As if this is not enough, the critical voice in your head screams at you all the different things you presumably did wrong. You are at the peak of confusion and not sure of what you can do. You are full of fear of what will happen if you are not successful in taking your next step. You beg your head to stop thinking so many random thoughts but it doesn't stop. Adding fuel to the fire is a killer named perfection. As it is you are messed up and on top of it, your seeking of perfection in every small thing towards your next step instead of helping you is actually impeding you from working towards your next step and pulls you from moving forward. Every other person who is working towards the same next step as you, seems better to you than yourself. During your slightly high moods you feel positive and feel confident that you can actually get through to the next step and that you and your achievements are not that bad afterall. But it doesn't take you long to fall back into abyss of fear and negativity. There is an internal battle in your head between the crests of the mental waves - telling you that you can get through and the troughs - telling you that you are dumb and everything is going to fail miserably. I think all this happens to you when you are already in an unfathomable and weird state of mind  and in this condition are working on applying to grad schools for higher studies. So what do you do then? Since you have come so far in life, why not just give this thing one fair shot as well? Who knows you might just succeed eventually....

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