Sunday, June 27, 2010

The God and the Satan in me!

I am not a believer of idol worship. But I am not an atheist either. When I feel sane, I believe in a supreme force who I call god and I talk to him sometimes, make wishes, and consider him my guardian angel who resides inside me who will take care of me when I am in utmost need. This is not an area of expertise for me, but if Newton's third law is applied not just on verbs but on nouns as well, for a good force there has to be an opposing negative or bad force. Different religions call these negative forces differently. But for my convenience and ease, I am going to call it the Satan. (Thanks to several novels I have read :P). Sometimes I feel, I am slowly being dominated by the Satan in me. The god in me hasn't really vanished, but is probably now becoming dormant inside me. But the satan in me, is beginning to be more prominent in my attitude several times. Much too often, I feel this wrath of rage inside me, keeps popping out every now and then, particularly when people talk non stop and that too about me growing up and about the fact that I should get married, or when I feel someone is treating someone badly, or when I feel an air of unnecessary fear, tension around me and so many more things, some of them utterly silly. Yes, it is true that many a times I am way too hard on myself, and I don't know why. Anyways coming back to the Satan. I don't feel like killing people or like biting them or anything, but yes, I get mad with rage sometimes. May be I should conveniently blame it on the society. I am probably mad at several social norms. I lose my mind when people talk about women as being inferior even in the faintest of matters, or when people drive me nuts with some of the ridiculous superstitious beliefs. I agree a belief is something personal but I don't think it makes sense to impose one's beliefs on others, if they don't like it. My preference towards less talk and to do what I like, as fair as possible though, is defined as arrogance, my confidence comes across as cocky. Satan in me doesn't care about what others think, but the left over god in me sometimes feels that I am losing control over my temper and my tongue and doesn't like my perception of what the society or in a smaller scale, relatives think of me. But then coming to think of it, if I were arrogant, I wouldn't be writing about this here and if I were perfect there wouldn't have been a need to write about this in the first place. Well that sounded like some justification I am giving to myself. As I am writing this and reading it back, I feel it all comes down to perception, because according to me good, bad are both relative. These days, every time I feel overwhelmed that I am filled with Satan, I ask myself about the intentions of my rage within or some of my actions or words. The answer is clear- my intention is not to harm or hurt anyone. I try not to fool myself by trying to be nice, when I don't feel good about something. It's a matter of sheer low tolerance or may be just being open about how I feel. I am still not sure if the Satan is dominant or the god is dominant, I am just doing what I feel. That being said, I have decided to work a little on my tolerance and good or bad, I think it is fair enough to do what makes you happy but only if it really makes you happy.                

1 comment:

  1. When I feel sane, I believe in a supreme force who I call god and I talk to him sometimes, make wishes, and consider him my guardian angel who resides inside me who will take care of me when I am in utmost need:

    Sums up my definition of God. Last week, over food and drinks this conversation about God came up when a friend of mine suggested that I am being non-brahminical/ un-hindu because I eat meat and drink alcohol, and I said something to the exact same effect as you have said. I literally talk to God often, and such talking is a great reliever of emotion, anxiety, fear etc. He had the much rigid view about religion and God. Made for quite a lively debate!

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